17 things that Men do Understand, and simply have stock reactions to

Greetings my small but devoted cult following! The other night, whilst chatting to the lovely Neety - (Who yes, I am now in a relationship with, for the few of you who didn't have that information), she was regaling me with tales of 17 things Men will never understand, from one of those strange womens magazines.

Anyway, as we were laughing at the list, it occured to me that these are some of the worst generalisations of the male gender that the writer of this article could think of, and that therefore I felt it was my duty, as a man, to craft responses to each of these 17 points....

Now, before I get started, I am aware that my response will not necessarily reflect all male responses, but that's because men are all different. Yes, that's right ladies (and stupid magazine article writers), we don't all think the same. And I know what you're thinking, "Blokes Magazines are just as bad". Well, yes and no.

At least blokes magazines usually portray two generalisations of women in blokes mags - the ones who will get their tits out in public / perform indecent acts on you, and "your girlfriend", who is usually portrayed as much more reserved. I'm not saying that this is right either, but my point is that at least you get two reference points for the ends of the "Scale of Woman", from which you can mentally position the relevant woman concerned.

Anyway - 17 things that Men will never understand... allegedly

"1. Just because we already have a grey cashmere sweater/ Miu Miu bag, it never, ever means we don't need another one."

Yeah - Because we men never buy multiples of the same thing. Like a sequel to a video game that is effectively the same... or, I dunno, white shirts (or in my case, black t-shirts). We understand that you want another grey cashmere sweater / Miu Miu bag, but if we sound doubtful, it's just because we are wondering whether you would prefer more variety!

(Oh, and just for the record, I have no idea what a Miu Miu bag is...)

"2. Making us watch football is the equivalent of us making you paint your toenails. Against the laws of nature."

OK. This one is hard for me to argue as, shock horror, I don't like football. So already I am not the stereotypical man that this statement expects me to be. However, of the friends I have who do like and watch football, not any of them make their girlfriends / fiancees / wives watch it. And also, I do know some women who DO enjoy watching football. Just as I know some men who like to paint their toenails. Moving on....

"3. Scarlett Johansson wouldn't pull you if you met her. Think realistic for your laminated list. That's why we've ditched Brad Pitt for Robert Pattinson, who lives in London and is single."

WHAT????? OK, firstly the "laminated list" concept just shows how much that "Friends" has embedded itself in the collected conciousness. Secondly, does anyone actually do that? Make a list of people you'd cheat on your other half with? Doesn't sound very healthy to me... as a game? Fine... but if you're in reality? Oh, and third, Why do you (and by you, I mean the woman writing the article) assume that you are good enough for Robert Pattinson, but I couldn't get Scarlett Johansson? Let me know some of the logic behind that if you could, that'd be great....

"4. If your proposal isn't at least as extraordinary as our friend Andrea's. We'll probably never quite forgive you."

If you like Andrea's boyfriend (sorry, fiance) that much, then we've got problems that stretch beyond any possible proposal method!

"5. "Are those space-pants? Because your ass is out of this world..." may get a laugh, but in no way guarantees said pants are coming off."

No man would use that line. Not if he was really trying to pull. Surely....Crap chat-up lines are there for a laugh, and can often work as an ice-breaker to get conversation going, as long as you don't seem serious!

"6. Making the bed. "But we're just going to get back into it later." It. Doesn't. Matter. Make the damn thing."

OK. This one I am guilty of, I don't make the bed, for that very reason. If you're inviting guests into your room that's different, or if you have a studio flat and your bed is also the sofa then fine. But just doing it for yourself? That I don't get....

"7. Tupperware and cling-film. Allow us to introduce you to these magical things that keep your food fresh and your fridge from smelling like socks."

I understand the use of this. However, Noodles, Beer and Crisps don't need tupperware or cling film. FACT.

"8. Your old, smelly chair is not your throne, nor is the remote controller your God-given right..."

Yes the chair IS my throne. It's comfy, and it's mine. And the remote controller? No, she's right there, it's not your God-given right, it should be shared equally

"9. Forget that new-age nonsense. We don't really want to see you cry - unless it's in the delivery room."

OK.... so we can't cry if WE'RE in horrendous amounts of pain (i.e. we've just been kicked in the nuts) but we can cry when YOU are??

(And no, before any angry women get into the argument, I am not equating the pain of being kicked in the nads with the pain of childbirth, I'm just drawing a comparison)

"10. The gym is never the place to pick us up. We want to die of sweaty shame as it is."

Never tried that. Very rarely go to the gym. AndI wouldn't want to approach a random woman mid-exercise.... maybe if there's a bar in there then you could start a conversation in there, but seriously, in the Gym itself? What would you say "Hi, I'm sweaty and so are you, it's like we've had sex but without the fun part!"???

"11. Kissing then trying to remove our knickers is never the right order. 0-60 is for cars, not women. "

That depends on the woman surely. And the situation. If you're going for a quickie before work, then it sounds pretty good to me, and I'm sure some women would agree with me on this subject...

"12. We love the effort, but going off-piste and throwing random things into a stir-fry does not make you Gordon Ramsey, it just makes the food rank."

Not true. You can put anything in a stir-fry... (Yes I am joking... mostly) Honestly, next you'll be telling me that the recipie to make punch for a party isn't "Take Bowl, add Orange Juice, add Lemonade, add all forms of Spirit that exist in the house, stir, drink"

"13. Somebody once said that the pain of childbirth is equivalent to being repeatedly kicked in the balls for however many hours the labour lasts. Think that over."

Oooh look, didn't I reference this myth earlier? Personally, I would imagine that childbirth hurts more, but on average a woman will go through childbirth twice or three times in a lifetime? And according to these statistics (that I have just made up) the average man will be kicked in the balls at least 47,000 times in his lifetime. Plus, who can prove this anyway... because I don't know anyone who both has testicles, and has given birth. Bring me someone who can experience both and we'll get a solid answer. If not, leave the subject alone. It's like asking how well a desert animal can swim... we can theorise, but unless I'm allowed to pick one up and hurl it into water, we won't know.

"14. Fart jokes are only funny if you have a penis."

Not true. Farts are universally funny, all children laugh at them. The only difference is as Women grow up, they get manners, Men get less manners :)

"15. Blonde hair and a cleavage don't automatically denote a good-time girl. Nor do brunette hair and sophisticated clothes denote intelligent 'wife' material. They're totally interchangeable."

You mean that when women dye their hair it doesn't change their personality?? I'd never have guessed.... Stop assuming that we are all idiots.

"16. We'd rather you didn't have a perfect six-pack. When you do, it makes us feel like we need one too. Which ain't gonna happen."

OK, this one is blatantly put in for the men who are reading the magazine over their other half's shoulder... The fact is that some women do want their man to have a perfect six pack. Most don't, I grant you, which is a definite plus for those of us who are of the larger build... but don't assume anything. Chippendales are popular for a reason....

"17. Watching a musical will not castrate you, it's fun! But if you suggest seeing one, we'll instantly think you're gay. Them's the rules. "

Um... FUCK OFF. I like musicals. I still have testicles, and (as far as I know, and excluding that one strange night in Jumping Jaks many years ago) no-one has ever assumed I'm gay for suggesting we see one.

So there, that's my rant about stupid magazine articles. I may return for another rant soon.

Enjoy life :)