My annual complaint about Music - Brawny's Brit Award Blog!

Once again, it's time for a change from the videogaming nature of this blog, to revisit an old favourite that I deal with every year, it's time for me to complain about the state of music by examining the nominations for the Brit Awards Best British Single (which are voted for by the public!)

This year, I made a video of it - so click here and have a watch!

Brawny's Review of the BRIT Awards 2015 Best British Single Nominations from Michael Braunton on Vimeo.


If you want to read my previous years ones, you can find them here:

2014
2013
2012
2010

(For some reason I never did a 2011 one!)

Yet more Musical Mediocrity - the Brit Awards 2014!

Once again, we are zooming towards February, which means we will soon be at that wonderful time when we are informed about what has been utterly shite in the world of music this year. I am, of course, talking about the BRIT awards. So, to carry on my long-held tradition (see my blogs for 2013, 2012 and 2010 - I never did one for 2011), I shall have a look at the nominations for British Single of the Year and give you my unique take on them all...

As always, I listen to as much of the song as I can stand, and then tell you what I thought - I hope you are ready - here goes...

Bastille - Pompeii

How long did I last? 2:39

Impressions: It sounds quite 80's. Is that a thing now? I thought we had revisited the 80s a few years ago and had moved on since then. I'm not a fan of extending a one syllable word over six notes, especially how often they do it, but at least the song sounds unique overall - it's not something I'd be likely to mix up with anything else...

It's not perfect, by any means, and it does feel a little like they were worried about listeners getting bored, particularly in the second verse where there are about four different accompaniment styles over the space of two lines...

And then, in the middle, it decides to abandon it's individuality and stages it's very own breakdown, cutting back to just vocals and piano, before adding backing vocals, then drums... like EVERY POP SONG OF THE LAST TEN YEARS HAS DONE!*

(*Note: I have no actual proof of this, it just feels like this is the case)

But this wasn't terrible. Maybe the quality of music has improved over the last year? Maybe I've become more tolerant?

Rating: 6/10

Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding - I Need Your Love

How long did I last? 0:37

Impressions: I have not become more tolerant. This song started and all of the horrendous memories of years past doing this blog came flooding back.

Before I go any further, I must confess an automatic prejudice against this song - I very much dislike Ellie Goulding. In the several of her songs I have unfortunately heard, her common theme appears to be the fact that she cannot pronounce any kind of consonants whatsoever, instead preferring to just breath down a microphone with the implication that some of the noises she makes may at one point have been words.

And while we're on the subject of musicians that I could not possibly give two fucks about, welcome back Calvin Harris - I hadn't missed you at all! And I see you are still utilising four/five note patterns on horrible synths with some heavy drums to give it a big beat - oh wait, are you just doing that to drown out Ellie Goulding? If so, Mr Harris, you have my respect. Not much of it, but a tiny amount. A drawing pin's worth of respect, if you will.

However, your songwriting still sucks. Delaying the fourth chord of the world's most obvious chord sequence doesn't make your song original. It just makes it jarring to the ear and makes it sound awful.

Rating: 2/10

Disclosure - White Noise

How long did I last? 0:37

Impressions: It starts off sounding like video game music, which is a positive in my book. Sadly this positive only manages to last slightly longer than the positive charge in an AA battery once you have slotted it into the back of a Sega Game Gear (you see? I can still get retro gaming references into this blog even when it's about music!). And then the vocal starts, which is what killed the song for me. Imagine, if you will the sound you get if you took a squealing weasel, managed to (somehow) insert it into a toothpaste tube and then slowly squeezed the end.

That's what this sounds like. As if someone is slowly squeezing out the words.. well, I say words - I assume there are words but in direct contrast to Ellie Goulding, it seems that this weasel ONLY uses consonants, so it just sounds like some harsh noises.

And the music is so repetitive, dull and immensely frustrating to listen to. It's as if someone thought they'd written a song, that lasted 7 seconds, pressed a button on the keyboard, pressed repeat and left.

I may be doing this song a disservice, as it may pick up and become interesting later on, but I highly doubt it...

Rating: 3/10

Ellie Goulding - Burn

How long did I last: 1:11

Impressions: Why does this begin like some kind of dance track? It's an Ellie Goulding song, shouldn't it be all breathy and dull? Oh wait, here comes the unique vocal stylings of little Miss "I just breathe instead of sing" and the track begins it's sharp descent into horrendousness. Seriously, it sounds like some kind of early 90's dance track - I was expecting some Bonkers-style happy hardcore beats to come in at some point - which, let's face it, would probably have improved it.

And how many times does she feel the urge to say Burn in the chorus? Is this song a secret tutorial for pyromaniacs or something? (There may be a lyrical reason for it - but since I can't understand a damn word she says, I couldn't tell you!)

Rating: 3/10 (It's better than her Calvin Harris one. Just.)

John Newman - Love me Again

How long did I last: 2:59

Impressions: First things first. I don't like his voice. I tried not to let that influence me, as I am notoriously fussy with vocalists, so I tried to listen to the whole orchestration and not focus on it. Then the descending string part (which sounds like it came direct from the seventies) starts, and it reaches the morse code style guitar part. I was reaching out to turn it off, but stopped when the chorus came in. And I realised that although I have heard this - many many many times - it's *takes deep breath* not shit!

Don't get me wrong, this isn't audio perfection by ANY means - I still don't like his voice, and it is remarkably musically predictable (yes I am a musical snob - what are you going to do about it!) but at least it has real instruments (and synth strings) and it bounces along the way that a pop song should do.

So just as I was thinking that this was doing really well, it reaches the middle eight, and sadly, that completely breaks the song for me. It is such a dirge in comparison with everything we've heard before. It's such a shame, because without that I MIGHT have listened to it all the way through.

Rating: 7/10

Naughty Boy - La, La, La

How Long did I last?: 0:20

Impressions: This opens with some kind of ethereal fake harp. That's OK, I can cope with that. But then the vocal (and I use that word so very loosely) comes in. Singing "lalalalalala". And that's where I stopped. Partly because I feel that anyone who sings with la la la la is just lazy, but mostly because the last of the la's in each line has had so much auto tune applied to make it slide up that it just sounds horrendous. You remember how the cheap keyboards you used to play with in music lessons had the pitch bend wheels on the end? Well it's like that, but with a horribly cut and pasted vocal.

This song is not recommended for you. Or for anyone with ears and any kind of musical knowledge. Or rats. (It would be cruel to the rats).

Rating: 2/10

Olly Murs - Dear Darlin'

How long did I last? 1:14

Impressions: So, last year Olly Murs was the big surprise for me. I listened to his song all the way through and enjoyed it. So I was quietly confident when I started this song.

"OK", I thought, "It's a ballad - It starts with just piano and vocals, so let's see what happens next... oh, the second time around the verse has a kick drum under it - not original but works I guess..."

And then, the rest of the song comes in, and in one defining moment I realise what's going on.

Last year, Olly Murs wanted to sound like Maroon 5 - which is fine, as Maroon 5 have long since stopped sounding like Maroon 5.  So for this song, Olly Murs apparently REALLY REALLY wants to sound like Robbie Williams. But not early-era energetic Robbie Williams, oh no. He wants to be overblown middle of the road filled with dullness Robbie Williams. The Robbie Williams everyone tries to forget - with such wonderful hits as "Millenium" and other such bland shite.

This song is just not fun, and that was a big disappointment for me. Olly was a pleasant surprise in last year's blog, but sadly that appears to have been a one off, rather than the norm.

What a shame.

Rating: 4/10

One Direction - One Way or Another (Teenage Kicks)

How long did I last: 0:51

Impressions: Oh dear god. Before I even put this on I was worried about it. Just look at that combination of title(s) and artist. It seems to scream "Hey, remember when music was good? Well FUCK YOU - that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!".

In fact, I almost listened to zero seconds of it, but I decided that it wouldn't be fair to do that. I promised to try every song on the list. And that includes this one.

So here we go.

...

I guess that after ripping off other songs for their own "original" compositions ("Summer Lovin'" for "You don't Know you're Beautiful", "Baba O'Reilly" for "Best Song Ever", "Should I stay or Should I go" for "Live While We're Young", to name but three) One Direction embracing cover songs is the next logical step, but who thought that this was a good idea?

There are no words to describe the awfulness of this.

Oh, and now the Synth Clap is being used. Personally I think that the use of Synth Clap should be banned, and anyone who uses it should get THE CLAP!

Ugh.

I tried to listen further, as I'm told that there is a "mash up" involving Teenage Kicks later in the song (hence the title), and I wanted to hear how awful that was. However, it is a medical fact that if you listen to more than one minute of this song (and you are over 12 years old), then your brain will explode.

Rating: 1/10

Passenger - Let Her Go

How Long did I last? 2:01

Impressions: Now this is strange, the opening sounds like a real instrument. Not the ethereal synth harps of Naughty Boy, or the vomit-inducing synths of Calvin Harris, or even the HORRENDOUS SYNTH CLAP OF DOOM used by One Direction. This is a real instrument, one that somebody has to learn how to play... that makes a change! Again, like the earlier song by John Newman. I wasn't particularly keen on the vocalist when it started, but I let it keep going - if for no other reason than it was cleansing my brain of the One Direction horrors it had previously suffered.

But yeah, musically it's OK. The chord sequence, while pretty standard, was at least varied enough to not just be a bog-standard four chord sequence, and the orchestration actually sounded quite nice...

Sadly it came down to the vocalist after a little while. John Newman survived because the rest of the song was interesting and energetic - but with this pedestrian plodding song, there's only so much of this vocalist I can take - especially when I can't understand the lyrics because there's a complete lack of diction again!

Rating: 5/10

Rudimental - Waiting All Night

How Long did I last? 0:56

Impressions: What happened to songwriters / musicians / producers? Why can't we just give a vocalist a tune, tell them to sing it, and then record them singing it? Why must we play with auto-tune to make it sound horrible, and why must it be cut and pasted to high heaven? Please, can't someone stop the madness?

Well, if they can, it sure as hell won't be on this song, which suffers from all of those complaints and more. I mean, this isn't music, it's just - noise.

*HYPOCRITE ALARM*

Yes, I know that I like to listen to Slayer. Or Rob Zombie. Or Ginger Wildheart's Mutation albums. And yes, I know that a lot of people would just deem them noise as well. But...

Well...

They are better noise! (And I don't need to justify it any more than that - it's my blog damnit!)

Also that drum beat - the one that sounds like someone has taught a strobe light how to play the drums - aren't we past that now? Surely we don't need to keep making songs that sound like this - do we?

Rating: 3/10

So this is over for another year - and the winner (i.e. the one that is the most not shit) is John Newman! Well done sir, you can continue to make music. Now the rest of you, if you'd just step through this door...

*Ushers the artists out of the door*

*Shuts the door*

*Muffled Shotgun Blast rings out*

*Comes back in alone*

Let's do better next year, eh?

R.I.P. Musical Talent - The Brits 2013

Well hello everyone! Today is 20th February 2013 - and those of you who pay attention to the mentally disturbed will know that that can only mean one thing.

It's Brit awards night!

And in honour of the blog I did last year, where I picked on the public-voted Best British Single as a highlight of mediocrity within the music industry, I've decided to do the same again.

Now if you didn't read it last year (and why not? shame on you!) or just don't remember, the rules are simple. I attempt to listen to all of the nominees and stop each song when I can't bear it any more, and I record the results below, for your pleasure / enjoyment / criticism.

ADELE- SKYFALL

How long did I last? 1:58

Impressions: This begins, as per always with an Adele song (or at least, the few Adele songs I've ever knowingly listened to) with a repeating Piano riff. It's not bad a bad riff, a bit moody. And then it gets ruined when Adele starts to sing. Well, if singing is the right word. Personally it sounds more like she is accidentally sliding her voice over notes without actually bothering to sing any complete words. Has anyone taught her about enunciation? Or as she would call it ... cia... (because she doesn't sing the beginnings OR ends of words).

And then the chorus starts - and promptly sounds almost exactly the same as the verse, and with this dull chorus came a depressing realisation that this is all that there is. And yes, it sounds like a Bond theme - albiet an an incredibly dull one. And you know that the song is a failure when  I'm sitting here getting distracted by thoughts of how good the film while simultaneously blocking out the music. And that, my friends, tells me that it is time to give up.

Rating: 5/10. It's exceptionally bland.

ALEX CLARE - TOO CLOSE

How long did I last? 0:37

Impressions: As far as I knew I'd never heard this song, so I prepared myself and pressed the play button. 

Oh god. 

Where do I start? Do I start from the overly protracted intro, where it's as if someone discovered the flange effect button on their mixing software and just let it run for what seems like an eternity? (I'm assured it was only a few seconds, but it didn't seem like that). And then for that irritating voice to kick in, and start trying to squeeze lyrics into a tune which fit as well as I would fit into a pair of dungarees designed for a teddy bear? Sorry, I can't take it anymore. Maybe it gets better? I doubt it.

Rating: 2/10

COLDPLAY AND RIHANNA - PRINCESS OF CHINA

How long did I last? 2:49

Impressions: I have heard this song quite a few times. So actually, my first shock was that it qualifies for this years awards, because it seems to have been around for f*king ever. Now I know it is fashionable to bash Coldplay, and to be fair, I do bash them a lot, mostly because I dislike their earlier catalogue. But this is just average. I wouldn't throw the radio into the bath if this came on, but on the other hand I wouldn't ever seek it out (unless I wanted to listen to a song where the female singer sounds manlier than the male singer.)

It does however, utilise a lot of La-La-La-La's... which is never a positive thing for me. It's as if they were going to write more lyrics, and then forgot. And the less said about the Synth noise, the better. My other major complaint is - where is the chorus? The whole song sounds like build-up and no payoff. Yes I only listened to 2:49 of it, but surely I heard at least one chorus in that time, so why don't I remember it? (Answers on a postcard please)

Rating: 6/10

DJ FRESH FEAT RITA ORA - HOT RIGHT NOW

How long did I last? 0:43

Impressions: Aaah! A robot doing backing vocals! Oh no, it's just an 80's vocal effect. In fact, there's an awful lot of vocal effects - hello autotune, how I haven't missed you. And then the 90's club drums kick in. And I'm done.

Rating: 1.5/10

EMELI SANDE - NEXT TO ME

How long did I last? 1:47

Impressions:  Wow. 

Hello drums. 

You appear to be quite loud in the mix, or at least satisfyingly bassy. Oh and there's some oooh-oooh-ooohs. Really? This is nearly as bad as Coldplay's La-La-La's. You may notice I've not said anything about the song itself, focussing simply on the drums and some offensive non-lyrical lyrics. Well what is there to say? It's OK. Maybe I'm becoming less filled with hatred towards average music than I used to be, but it didn't particularly offend me - it was just a bit repetitive.

Rating: 6/10

FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE - SPECTRUM

How long did I last? 0:53

Impressions: I bashed Florence and the Machine a bit in this blog last year. And this year? I'm going to do much the same. Maybe it's a reaction to listening to it after Emeli Sande, but the introduction does sound like it was mixed by an engineer wearing tupperware on his head, who was overly concerned about the sound being too loud. And then the stupid dancey bass kicks in, and I lost any interest I thought I might possibly have had.

Rating: 3/10

JAMES ARTHUR - IMPOSSIBLE

How long did I last? 0:45

Impressions: Neety likes to have crap music TV on when she does things around the lounge - which is fair enough. But sadly that means that I have heard this song before, and just the mention of it's name while it was being cued up was enough to make me throw up a tiny bit in my mouth. But I shall press on... Oh hello - he's been taking lessons from the Adele school of non-enunciation!

Other than that, it is such a typical X-Factor arrangement of a song (start with strings and vocal, build up with slow drums and a bass... I didn't listen past that point, but I would imagine it brings in more instruments including the whole string section and band, maybe has a key change near the end, and then everybody listening dies of UTTER BOREDOM.) Seriously X-Factor, mix it up a bit, why not start a song with a Xylophone solo? Then bring in the Accordions and Sousaphones.  Go on, I dare you.

But no, this is awful.

Rating: 1/10

JESSIE J - DOMINO

How long did I last? 0:17

Impressions: Oh dear god, where do I start. A guitar riff starts the song, and bless him, the guitarist is obviously trying to make it interesting. (Apologies if I seemed sexist then, assuming the guitarist was a man, it won't happen again. Unless it does.) Then the singing begins.

If you can call it singing.

Jessie J has what some might call a unique voice, which appears to alternate between outright yelling and then warbling like a nightingale with a microphone shoved down it’s throat that has been run over by a taxi containing Johnny Vegas in the early 2000s, James Cordon and the Incredible Hulk, so that all it can emit are screams of agony.

It’s very hard for me to believe that they can teach a human being to sing like that. Well, I say a human being, I don't believe she is a real human being. Maybe a messed-up clone, that's why her name is Jessie J. Jessie A - H obviously went wrong.. And then, if that wasn’t enough the sound of a cat vomiting begins, replacing what would, in most normal songs, be a bass drum…

Please god no more.

Rating: 1/10

LABRINTH FEAT EMELI SANDE - BENEATH YOUR BEAUTIFUL

How long did I last? 1:23

Impressions: Interesting. The opening string chords of this sound almost exactly like the opening of Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing". That was sneaky of Labrinth and Emeli Sande (or whoever wrote this for them) to pinch that before moving onto their actual composition. According to Neety, the lyrics for this are a bit wishy-washy (although I had trouble understanding what the hell he was saying in the first place, as he doesn't enunciate brilliantly and is a little buried by production). However, that wasn't my biggest problem with this song.

My biggest problem with this song (apart from the fact that it is the most X-Factor-y song I have heard in a long time that isn't from the X-Factor) is that they sing the following lyric.

"Won't you let, me, see beneath your beautiful, tonight." 

Excuse me? Beneath your beautiful WHAT??? A Beautiful is not a thing. If you want to see beneath someone's beauty, then say THAT!! BUT YOU CANNOT SEE BENEATH A BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE A BEAUTIFUL IS NOT A THING!!! And if they're saying they'll see beneath your beautiful tonight, well.... that doesn't make any sense either. And then they sing:

“Take it off now girl, take it off now girl.”

Take what off? You cannot take off a beautiful. And then, a little later he asks her to take off a perfect. Guess what? YOU CAN'T. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT A THING. 

Beautiful = NOT A THING.

*THROWS ENGLISH TEXTBOOK AT THESE PEOPLE* Do some homework.

Rating: 4/10

OLLY MURS FEAT: FLO.RIDA - TROUBLEMAKER

How long did I last? THE WHOLE SONG. So in your face all you people who think I never like any popular music.

Impressions: I quite like this song. It sounds a lot like Maroon 5 (which is ironic as Maroon 5 now sound quite like generic X-Factor style pop...) it's just funky and fun. (I refer you to my earlier comment about mellowing in my old age) - Plus it has liberal use of a cowbell, which is always good fun.

SIDENOTE – If you ever want to see Neety miming a cowbell overenthusiastically, pop this song on!

It's musically interesting, and gets under your skin, which sounds about as appealing as a tapeworm I grant you, but it does get stuck in your head (in a good way). EVEN the stupid rap interlude from that Florida Man isn't that bad, although it does go on about a verse too long. It's almost as if Olly Murs (or whoever wrote/chose this for him) bothered to look at what makes listenable, poppy music rather than just what sold last week and tried quickly to attempt to replicate that.

Rating: 9/10

RITA ORA FEAT TINIE TEMPAH - RIP

How long did I last? 0:23

Impressions: Well what a return to form after the surprise of the previous song being actually good. This is shit. Just saying. What is the appeal of this? Horrible cheap sounding synths, squealing vocals reciting lyrics that just seem to be utter rubbish. Depressingly, it's not the worst or even second worst thing I've had to listen to this evening, but it is joint third worst...

Rating: 1.5/10

RIZZLE KICKS - MAMA DO THE HUMP

How long did I last? 1:25

Impressions: I thought I would hate this. And don't get me wrong, it's certainly not something I enjoy, but in comparison with some of the other things I've heard here? At least it sounds like they are having fun, and I can see how it would appeal - although the female vocal is bloody irritating. 

Rating: 5/10

ROBBIE WILLIAMS - CANDY

How long did I last? 2:38

Impressions: Again, due to Neety's excessive use of crap music TV, coupled with Mr Williams’ heavy rotation on said music channels, I've heard this quite a lot - and seen it's ridiculous video. Musically? It's catchy. Good use of instruments, a chorus that sticks in ones head, and it also shares one important thing with both Rizzle Kicks and Olly Murs - it feels fun - which surely is the point of Pop Music? But lyrically? I'm not suggesting pop music lyrics should be poems in their own right, but is it too much to ask for sentences that make some kind of sense? Because there are none in this song. Absolutely no coherent sentences whatsoever. They sound like they are, but they aren't. 

Rating: 6/10

RUDIMENTAL FEAT JOHN NUMAN - FEEL THE LOVE

How long did I last? 1:10 (Only because the organ section is about a minute long and I wanted to see where it went after that)

Impressions: Organ? At the beginning of a pop song? It might turn out to be good? Oh wait, now theres a pulsing bassline that means I can't hear ANYFUCKINGTHINGELSE with any clarity whatsoever. And Mr 80's synth is back once again - he's been making good money these last few years. And then drums kick in. And it sounds as if they stole the drum pattern from Hot Right Now (or Hot Right Now stole it from them - either way, it's a shit drum pattern.) And so, I turned it off.

Rating: 2/10

STOOSHE - BLACK HEART

How long did I last? 0:31

Impressions: And when I told Neety the name of the band she delighted me with the phrase, "Oh goody, obligatory band name that sounds like a vagina!". After a good giggle, we started the song. I think this song is trying to imitate Motown, but it appears to be doing so without spending any time working out a good tune, rhythm or lyrics, and without the most important thing - a GOOD SINGER. OK, I only listened to 31 seconds of it, so maybe I'm judging on one singer and they apparently have more than one - but to be fair, if you have a bland singer, don't give her verse 1. I'm just saying...

Rating: 3/10

So in conclusion – please give the award to Olly Murs, while making all the other acts gather inside a bomb shelter which has the bomb inside…

Brits 2012 - Time to die of boredom...

It's time, once again, to despair of the status of modern music. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is the Brit Awards 2012 and, in honour of such a celebration of mediocrity I have decided to revive a critically acclaimed blog from two or three years ago (which I would link to, but I can't seem to find right now...). That's right, it's time for Brawny's reviews of the Best British Single Nominees. In case you don't remember the rules, it's very simple. I listen to the song until I can bear it no more, and then I log my thoughts.

Without further ado, here we go...

Adele - Someone like you

How long did I last: 1:59

Impressions: Generic and dull. (Which is not helped by hearing it used on adverts/tv shows even though I didn't know what the song was). After thirty seconds I was begging for some kind of musical variation, and for the piano to STOP PLAYING ARPEGGIOS! Basically, it's the new song for teenage girls to learn to play on the piano to "express themselves" and teenage boys to learn to play in order to impress them. In a word - Dull.

Rating: 4/10

Ed Sheeran - The A Team

How long did I last: 1:45

Impressions: Firstly, bird noises? SHUT UP. Secondly, "face" and "flakes" doesn't rhyme. And neither does "rent" and "end". In fact, continuing to listen to this song, Mr Sheeran doesn't seem to understand how rhyming works. You'll notice I haven't said anything about the music yet, and there's a reason for that. I forgot each note as soon as I heard it, due to the horrendously boring nature of it all. Apparently I listened to the chorus, although I don't remember it, which is surely the point of a chorus...

Rating: 5/10. But only just.

Example - Changed the way you kissed me

How long did I last: 0:36

Impressions: Well hello Mr Early 90's synth, I'm glad you've got work again. It's a shame, because whoever wrote this song, whether it was Mr Example himself or not, seems to have almost grasped the concept of composition, except for the simple fact that YOU CANNOT JUST REPEAT AN IRRITATING SYNTH RIFF OVER A CHORD SEQUENCE WHEN IT DOESN'T FIT!! Apparently, according to Neety, there is an entertaining bit later in this song where it goes

"Dum-de-dum-de-dum-dum - WAH!", however, if I had listened that long, my brain might have fallen out of my ears. FACT.

Rating: 2/10

Jessie J featuring BOB - Price Tag

How long did I last: 0:45

Impressions: I can't even begin to describe what's wrong with this. Firstly, the music box bit at the beginning which is not the same tune or key as the song? Secondly, she sounds like Lily Allen would sound if you abandoned her next to some tin cans in an area that was almost exactly unlike the ghetto.

Rating: 2/10

JLS Featuring Dev - She Makes me Wanna

How long did I last: 0:07

Impressions: Oh JLS (and generic music in general), have you not had the memo yet? There is absolutely NO NEED to sing your own names at the start of your song. Instantly abandoned due to this cardinal sin.

Rating: 0/10

Military Wives and Gareth Malone - Wherever you are

How long did I last: 1:53

Impressions: This is one of those songs that forces you to FEEL EMOTION! GO ON, FEEL IT! IT'S BOTH SAD AND UPLIFTING AT THE SAME TIME! Regardless of the fact that it sounds like it is an offcast from a later Lloyd-Webber musical (although if that was the case, the choir would be children), it is at least moderately musical and has some kind of tune and harmony that work together, and because of this (and in direct contrast to those I have already listened to) I may have given it more of a chance than it deserves. By the start of verse two, however, the soprano harmonies don't give it enough variation, and that's when it stops.

Rating: 6/10. The best so far...

Olly Murs feat. Rizzle Kicks - Heart Skips a Beat

How long did I last: 0:18

Impressions: I have actually heard the opening of this song several times, as it was at one point one of Neety's ring tones. Once again, however, 18 seconds in, they feel the urge to name the artists, so it's goodbye from me.

Rating: 0/10

One Direction - What makes you Beautiful

How long did I last: 1:17

Impressions: Hi, we liked the riff from Summer Lovin' so much that we felt that we should steal it, change one note and pretend it's ours. This may be generic, manufactured rubbish, but it at least bounces along comfortably, not trying to outstay it's welcome. It's almost as if they took the Backstreet Boys and genetically spliced them with Busted. However, two musical notes for the lads, 1) Your tag line should fit comfortably into the tune provided and not have an extra syllable and 2) Reverse cymbals are only effective when used OCCASIONALLY!

Rating: 6/10

Pixie Lott - All About Tonight

How long did I last: 0:33

Impressions: What is it with these popstars and not being able to rhyme? Shoes, attitude, you. These words share some verbal similarities but they DO NOT RHYME. And while she also seems to have employed Mr late 90's synth, her irritating voice and lack of originality meant I couldn't get more than 33 seconds in...

Rating: 3/10

The Wanted - Glad You Came

How long did I last: 0:44

Impressions: It's like someone took Coldplay, and made them duller, and then mixed it with some kind of Euro-dance track. Much as I dislike Coldplay, at least they have some musical prowess. These idiots don't. The End.

Rating: 3/10

So it turns out the best of a rather shit bunch this year is the Military Wives and One Direction. So I'm expecting that neither of them will win. In a way, it's nice that a lot more of these had real instruments than all the synths and dance beats of a couple of years ago, but on the flip side to that, it'd be nicer if they weren't all so dull....

Music Today...

OK, I appear to be accumulating material for blogs faster than I have time to write them, so there may well be a glut of blogs appearing from me..

What do I want to talk about today? Music. Now, before I carry on, I should explain that I am probably not the best person to speak to regarding popular music, as I've never been a big fan, and I've got worse as I've got older, barely ever buying or listening to new music, preferring instead to listen to old bands I know and love (or new albums from the same bands). However, I saw this and it quite frankly depressed me.

The Brit awards shortlist. Which reveals to us that Lady Gaga, Pixie Lott, Florence and the Machine, Lily Allen and JLS have all been nominated for three awards.

Is this hell?

Seriously. Did the world go to hell and we didn't notice? It's not that I don't like these artists (although I don't), it's that they are all so generic, so dull, and so vapid. I know the Brit awards is all about Pop music, but seriously, if you look at the top 40 from this week alone, there's a significant number of more interesting artists than the aforementioned five. (And, on a side-note, you can see how well the TV series Glee has been received, due to the number of songs by it's cast that have made their way into the top 100. No I haven't watched it yet, but people tell me it's good).

Also, there's a rumour that after the shock of Iron Maiden winning Best Live Act last year, they've decided not to do that category anymore, so that there aren't any surprises. But this isn't the worst piece of Brit award news. The list of nominees for Best Single is the worst piece of news. Seriously, it's dire. Completely awful. And to prove this, in an unbiased way, I shall actually listen to each song right now on Spotify, and offer you my opinion on each...

Alesha Dixon - Breathe - Opens like it's a 90's dance tune (maybe by Sash), but when you expect the beat to kick in and drag it up to a good speed... the rest of the instruments (and by instruments, I mean samples) arrive and you realise that it's staying at this tedious pace for the whole song...and there's nothing that even pretends to be a hook or memorable chorus...

Time until I had to stop it - 1:48... but I'm guessing nothing else exciting happened through the rest of the song...

Rating - 2/10 - Very little to recommend it

Alexandra Burke Ft Flo Rida - Bad Boys - Well it has at least got some production on it... and it moves at a decent pace. I did find myself nodding along subconsciously, and the chorus sticks in the memory a little. It's no masterpiece, but I can see why "the youth of today" like it. Never thought I'd say something this positive about an X-Factor winner, but there you go...

Time until I had to stop it -2:26 - I actually wanted to check if it would do anything different in the middle, sadly it did, it had a generic rap interlude in the middle...

Rating - 5/10 - It was the pure definition of average/OK, but given the competition that surrounds it, it stands out so far...

Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love - Feels like it's almost the same as the Alesha Dixon song, except a tiny bit faster and in a different key... And that's it. Seriously, can no-one write a memorable chorus anymore?

Time until I had to stop it -1:49

Rating - 2/10 - Seriously, who'd buy this.

Joe McElderry - The Climb - Slow, dull piano and strings to start. Annoying voice. Generic chord structure. I couldn't tell you what I think of the lyrics, because no matter how hard I try to listen to them, the song is so dull that my mind wanders off and my brain stops processing words...

Time until I had to stop it -1:02 - I couldn't bear anymore. I'm guessing that the arrangement has some guitar and drums that kick in at the start of the second verse, there's an uplifting middle eight and then it goes up a key for the final chorus. Am I close?

Rating - 1/10 - Shit. Pure shit.

JLS - Beat Again - Again, not my kind of music, but like the Alexandra Burke track, at least it has some form of production so it feels like effort has been put in. No memorable chorus though. Although it does sound like a LARGE majority of chart music I've been forced to listen to in the last five years (to the point where I could fit the lyrics of one onto the music of this. Not accusing anyone of plagiarism, I'm just saying..)

Time until I had to stop it -1:58

Rating - 4/10 - Generic. Bland. Background noise, but I wouldn't bother to turn it off if I was in mid-conversation and had to get out of a comfy chair to do so.

La Roux - In For The Kill -First thought - are we back in the 80s? Then, after a moment, I realise I have actually heard this before, which means that somewhen, somewhere on a radio, this has made an impression on my brain, which none of the previous songs have. Again, a memorable chorus, and for a change, a memorable voice, rather than one of the bland identikit ones we've had so far.

Time until I had to stop it -I listened to it all... and this was rewarded by the fact it has a middle 8 that does something mildly different!

Rating - 6/10 - I still wouldn't listen to it out of choice, but for pop music it's not bad.

Lily Allen - The Fear - I shall do my best to be fair, but I absolutely hate Lily Allen's voice. Production's nice, bit of a retro vibe with the synths, but the song itself feels like filler... the kind of track where if you were listening to an album you'd skip this particular one if you can be bothered but if not, you'd just sit there and entertain your brain for three minutes rather than listen to it. No chorus of any kind that I can hear, and I would say the bass guitarist must get bored, but they've just looped him. Oh and there's some generic swearing (although not on the version on Spotify I'm listening to, but it's easy to work out what she's saying).

Time until I had to stop it -2:02

Rating - 5/10 - Mildly better than Alexandra Burke or JLS, this is still generic background pap.

Pixie Lott - Mama Do - Does she want to be Christina Aguilera? I mean she does the voice wobbling thing, she's a blond girl, and she's trying to sound like she has a big voice, but only sounding big when backed up with a chorus of backing singers? (Or herself, multi-tracked to oblivion). Again, 80's synths all over the place, and generic song. Although the chorus does irritatingly stay in your mind.

Time until I had to stop it -1:41

Rating - 4/10 - Yet more background pap. I can't imagine why anyone would choose to release this song as a single...

Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart - Again, this starts off sounding like a 90's dance tune, complete with synthed finger clicks/hand claps... but it follows through, and the whole thing sounds like that. And it's once again, completely generic. It's OK though, probably one of the better I've had to listen to. And again, it has a singable/hummable chorus.

Time until I had to stop it -2:53 - I would have stopped earlier, but I wanted to see if it did the traditional 90's dance tune thing of dropping out all the bass and drums for the second to last chorus before dropping them back in for the finale... which it does.

Rating - 6/10 - If you'd tied me down in a chair and made me listen to all of these songs in a row, this'd be the one I remember as being "not awful."

Tinchy Stryder Ft N-Dubz - Number 1 - I was worried my opinion of this would be coloured because it's the last one I had to listen to, therefore I'd be sort of looking forward to it. Don't worry, it wasn't. This one lasted the least amount of time, and I can't comment on most of it. Why? Any song that feels the urge to state the names of the artists in the song itself deserves to get thrown in the bin and set fire to, and then pissed on by tramps to put it out, and then thrown in a landfill where it gets eaten by rats. Consequentially, I didn't get far into it.

Time until I had to stop it -0:16, for reasons detailed above.

Rating - 0/10 - If I'd listened to the actual song, it may not have been the worst on this list (because I'm sure it can't be worse than The fucking Climb), but since I only heard the intro and cut it off in anger, that is how it shall remain.

This is the best of British Pop? Oh dear god... seriously?? Ignoring the fact that four of those "artists" (A term I use in it's very loosest sense) are direct results of X-Factor (And yes I'm counting Cheryl Cole amongst those, because without X-Factor she wouldn't have a solo career, she'd simply be known as "That one from Girls Aloud who married the footballer") it's still appalling. They're all either ballads or R&B of some kind, and just... no. They're rubbish.

So in conclusion, which would I pick for Best Single?

Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine... :) Or is it too late to start a petition?

P.S. On a sad side-note, it was announced today that Boyzone are releasing a new single with Stephen Gately's vocals on it (Obviously recorded before he died, they didn't get a medium to contact him from beyond the grave....) While I think it's sad that he died, this really does seem like such an insensetive cash-in. I mean really, Boyzone didn't reform for artistic reasons, they re-formed for money and someone (be it the band themselves, or someone within their management/record company structure) has decided that they'll make a fortune by releasing something now. And the sad thing is? They're probably right...